It's ... shattered mirrors. That seems to describe what I feel right now best. Shattered mirrors, millions of little shards, all shining, all glittering, too much to process.

And of course, shattered glass cuts. It slices and destroys.

I feel like I've shattered. Like something inside me has just ... broken.

I hurt so much inside.

I'm so lonely.

I know God loves me, and I know I have so many friends who care about me (their love today showed me that), but I still feel so lonely.

All I want is music. I want music so badly. I play music all the time when I can get away with it. It ... it makes me feel better. Like the mirror's repairing itself a bit.

I want an Angel ... I want an Erik. But he's never existed and he never will ... I want someone to sing to me, to care for me, to truly love me. I want a Raoul. I want someone who wants to protect me from anything and everything, to keep me absolutely safe, to hold me close, guide me, love me.

In fact, if I could get them rolled into one, that'd be lovely.

I want so badly to just be held and cared for. I want someone to repair and polish this broken mirror inside me - polish it until it shines brighter than ... brighter than ... I don't know.

I just want music. Right now I feel like I'm so far away from what I want to do, so distant, so alone ... I want music more than almost anything else right now, and I feel so helpless to get there.

I want to be held, I want to be loved, I want to be sung to and this hurts so much ...

This hurts so much to type it out ... I'm so used to keeping almost everything inside except with my closest friends - and even sometimes with my closest friends.

This is getting to the point where I'm spiralling back down into blackness more often than I should be. When you get so frightened, so depressed, so alone and so sad that you feel like you're falling, and like you're being pulled down ...

That isn't good. I don't want to fall. I don't want to!

I so often don't want to tell my parents about what I'm feeling, because I don't want to worry them, and yet I know that I need to tell, that I need to get help - I know that there are so many people who care about me and love me, and yet I shut them out.

I started crying in church today ... we were singing about wanting God in our lives, and it cut right past the shell I'd put up. It was so true. I felt so alone and then there was this about God being there all the time, no matter what. I couldn't stop for quite some time.

I'm crying again now as I write this. It's so hard to write this. I want to write it but I don't want to hit the post button. I want to hide, I want to push the pain away, but I know I can't. I can't do this alone and yet I want to.

I want someone to hold me so badly ... I feel so alone, so worthless, so helpless, so young ... I feel like I'll never get anywhere and that my dreams are worthless. I want someone here to tell me that it'll be okay, that I'm worth the world, that I'm beautiful ...

I don't know where to end this ... I don't want it to end. It won't, not in my head, but it has to end somewhere.

Maybe I'll just end it here.