Here I start anew.  En ce moment, je commence.  What do I start?  De quoi agis-je?

I will take my world and convey it: its winds, its seasons, its scents, its self.  There is where I am, but where is here?

Here is where the wind blows diesel exhaust into your nose, cigarette smoke into your hair, Thai spices onto your tongue.  Here is where it shifts the dying leaves one day, one breeze closer to winter, and amuses itself by scattering and regrouping those who have  already given up their lease along the cobbled, indifferent sidewalks.

Here is where the wind slips delicately over the smooth wood of the benches, pushed along by the dusty roofs of cars that pass by.  The wind blows even when no car will run and my hands will never thaw, to remain clutched around my pen's silver petroleum-based form forever.

Hardly a romantic start to the end of the beginning, but that it is such could not be disputed: when will the day come when I will not sit on this bench at all, when to see a car pass would disturb the sense of society, when the wind will blow the leaves into the hair of the walkers and cyclists, going home to a house which will not be livable when the winter rolls in, the wind bringing the snow in feet, not inches?

But this is a start to an end of an end: le début d'une fin d'une fin.  Blood will flow and wind will blow et j'espère que je me sauve.  To be close to those we love is to at once let ourselves be blown in the wind and to stand like a rock against it, for if one chooses the wind of the change they desire, to stand in that wind is to not change at all.

So is this the start of the end of the end, or is it the end of the start of the end, or even the end of the start of the end?   

Who knows, who cares; it will go whether or not we do, for the wind cannot stop the wind, and the leaves are falling.

My friend recently challenged me to a "Seven Deadly Sins" quiz, the idea taken from Fullmetal Alchemist. Here is my response.

"The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin."

----Romans 7: 14b-25


This applies to every single one of the seven, all of which I am guilty of: lust, gluttony, sloth, wrath, pride, greed, and envy.

It hurts when you think I don't care.

I'm too old to be too young.

I try to help but it doesn't work.

I've been across, I've been across
This whole universe
More than I could care to tell
Lightspeed has had its effect on me
I've been away for too long

When I left to find some peace of mind
Baby said, she said to me,
"Take care and bring back
Bring back a star for me.
Don't be away for too long
Don't be away for too long."

Well I've been away but I'm coming back home.

The sky is beginning to glow
I'm coming home, I'm coming home
There's not that much longer to go
I'm coming home
Home is where I want to be

I've changed and I want you to know
I'm coming home, I'm coming home
Nothing can prepare you
Nothing can prepare you
For the rush of planetfall

I've seen the sun, sun setting - setting sun
On so many different worlds
But I long to feel old Sol
To feel sun sunny Sol again
I've been away for too long

I can see the rings of Saturn now
They're spinning, spinning just for me
I've been away for too long
I've been away but I'm coming back home

I'm tired, oh I tried to be strong
I'm coming home, I'm coming home
I know this is where I belong
I'm coming home ...
Home is where I want to be

I've seen the light and I know I've been wrong
I'm coming home, I'm coming home
Nothing can prepare you
Nothing can prepare you
For the rush of planetfall

I'm coming home.

The sky is beginning to glow
I'm coming home, I'm coming home
There's not that much longer to go
I'm coming home
Home is where I want to be

I'm tired, oh I tried to be strong
I'm coming home, I'm coming home
I know this is where I belong
I'm coming home ...
Home is where I want to be

I've seen the light and I know I've been wrong
I'm coming home, I'm coming home
Nothing can prepare you
Nothing can prepare you
For the rush of planetfall

Yeah, for the rush of planetfall
Yeah, for the rush of planetfall
Yeah, for the rush of planetfall

(c) Graeme Base, from his book The Worst Band in the Universe.

Meine Ruh’ ist hin - mein Herz is schwer …

The endless spinning sixteenth-notes echoed in my head.

Ich finde, ich finde sie nimmer und nimmermehr.

There was no other way to say it.

Wo ich ihn nicht hab ist mir das Grab …

The smell of spring flowed through my window, brought in with the cold air that froze my hands. I wished it would freeze my aching heart.

Die ganze Welt ist mir vergällt.

The bitter world did not mock me, for once. This time it gently held me close and shared in my pain.

Mein armer Kopf ist mir verrückt …

The worst part of all of this was that it made sense. I knew why I hurt - and I, being the eternal romantic that I was, embraced it.

Mein armer Sinn ist mir zerstückt.

And I would still if it were him. For once I understood and the force of understanding hurt even more.

Meine Ruh’ ist hin - mein Herz ist schwer …

Was that what love was? Painful understanding? No peace and a heavy heart?

Ich finde, ich finde sie nimmer und nimmermehr.

Nevermore. Love meant a lack of sanity. But I had already gone insane. Love doesn’t drive you insane. Therefore it was not love.

Nach ihm nur schau ich zum Fenster haus …

I curl up in the windowsill and long for adventure - the kind of adventure that breaks your heart. That, at least, was not already broken.

Nach ihm nur geh ich aus dem Haus.

Was it not true?

Sein hoher Gang, sein’ edle Gestalt …

Tall and noble. Was it not always what I had wanted?

Seine Mundes Lächeln, seiner Augen Gewalt …

Smiling …

Und seiner Rede Zauberfluß, sein Händedruck …

To sit and listen - the feel of another hand …

Und ach - sein Kuß!

An honour not yet bestowed.

Meine Ruh’ ist hin - mein Herz ist schwer …

Did I want it? Would I know when I did?

Ich finde, ich finde sie nimmer und nimmermehr.

Would it ache, as this does?

Mein Busen drängt sich nach ihm hin …

Traitorous. That’s what you are. Traitor to the core.

Ach dürft ich fassen und halten ihn!

Is it so wrong that I cannot sing this without crying?

Und küssen ihn, so wie ich wollt …

That I know what every word means because they strike my heart in a language I barely know?

An seinen Küssen vergehen sollt …

Yes. That they would kill me.

O könnt ich ihn küssen …

O could I but kiss him …

So wie ich wollt …

As I would wish …

An seinen Küssen -

Oh, my head …

Vergehen sollt!

The sixteenth-notes spin …

An seinen Kûssen -

My Lord, make it stop …

Vergehen sollt!

Oh, for sleep and dreams, where everything makes sense.

Meine Ruh’ ist hin, mein Herz ist schwer!